I dress, therefore I am

When I take pictures that show how much I care about image and clothing and post them on Instagram, I am in no doubt that I invite people to think me vain and shallow. I don’t feel any need to justify what I do, and in fact, if more people (especially men) took some time to present a good version of themselves as opposed to not caring what they look like, then I’m all for vanity. In fact, I would posit that creating an image, a persona, an avatar, an alter ego (such as one does on social media) is an act of existentialism. The clothing we wear is significant in how we choose to exist and move through the world.

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Benefits with friends

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Card found on a train, shoved between the seats.

It’s that hoary old question: Can you be still be friends after sleeping together? A stupid question. Of course you can and should be friends.

In my world, sleeping with someone is the quickest way to make a friend with a particularly deep level of intimacy.  I don’t call it ‘Friends with Benefits’. The benefit IS the friendship. Let’s just call it what it is: ‘Sex with Friends’. And some of the best friendships I have are with people I’ve slept with.
Sex is an excellent way of making friends; and friendship is an excellent reason for sex. 
I have lots of close female friends and a few close gay male friends, but until a few years ago, when I exited a very long marriage, I didn’t have any deep friendships with straight men. I now have a precious handful of these and these are all men I have slept with. They add a dimension to my life that I didn’t know I was missing. They bring a different perspective to my questions and musings. There is an honesty and frankness in how we interact but any erotic tension that there might have been has been dealt with and diffused. Maybe it works for me because I don’t do “no-strings sex”. I don’t want a LTR necessarily, but the “strings” I want are shared values, companionship for a few hours, sparkling conversation and emotional maturity.
The latest research is that loneliness can shorten your life by as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We make new friends when we are young, with our circle of friends peaking at around age 25. This circle shrinks as the years go by, when opportunities to make new, deep friendships are fewer, and our old friendships drop away. How do you make new bosom buddies of the sort you made at university and school?

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Vero: Underdogs in a capitalist world

For my online friends who have been deleting their Vero accounts because of its CEO’s dodgy past, I admire your idealism but it’s a bit like saying donuts are bad – because, carbs and sugar – whilst you continue to eat bread, cereal, pasta, cakes and cookies every day. If you want to only deal with companies that have a clean record on ethics and morality, if you want to sleep easy at night knowing that you have not helped to support discriminatory, non-inclusive, exploitative, morally offensive practices, then I suggest you should review the truth behind these good things that you probably quite like:

  • Subscription-based streaming of TV and movies to your living room.
  • The ability to order a hot meal delivered in the next hour from your mobile device.
  • The ability to order a cab in the next 5 minutes from your phone.
  • Subscription-based streaming of virtually all music ever produced.
  • Cheap books or any other consumer product, delivered to you by tomorrow.
  • The ability to share your words, pictures, news articles and cat videos with your friends, family and colleagues all around the world.

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The Asian Woman Fetish

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Photo by @acalculatedrisk. Wearing Bordelle Burnt Red signatures

I want to say something about the trope of the Asian woman. By “Asian” here I mean East Asian, i.e. ethnically Chinese, Japanese, Korean. The Asian fetish has always been a thing (more accurately, the Asian Woman fetish). I can’t blame anyone for being attracted to what they are attracted to. I’m not going to shame you for your foot fetish, so I shouldn’t do it for your race-fetish. Should I? Continue reading “The Asian Woman Fetish”

Threesome Etiquette

Almost everyone and their grandma has fantasised about having a three-way. Like most sexy or kinky encounters, the more you plan, the more fun it will be. Good group sex almost never happens spontaneously without prior discussion, rules and forethought, except sometimes amongst established triad relationships. In an ideal world, you will all have a filthy, fun time, where everybody gets off and you lie with limbs entangled in a happy, spent heap at the end. In the worst case, you will have slammed doors, tears, and divorce papers.

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Desire me, and I will be desirable

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When I was newly single, post-divorce after over 20 years of marriage, my self-esteem and confidence was pretty low. When dating men, I was always anxious to avoid that bad angle of my neck, tummy or thighs. I thought about getting a boob job practically every single day. It took a while, but some wonderful and patient lovers made me feel that none of those things mattered. C-section scar, loose tummy skin, small tits, muffin top thighs… none of those things were what they saw. They saw me as the sexy and sensual woman that I didn’t even see myself. The more I felt desired, the more desirable I felt. Continue reading “Desire me, and I will be desirable”

The Book of Cunts

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I was given this marvellous present by some dear friends. The Cunt Coloring Book was first published in 1975 by Tee Corinne, which makes it almost as old as me. The drawings in the book are part of a project she started in 1973 to document “real women’s cunts”. I will almost certainly never get round to actually colouring them in because I lack the necessary artistic skills to represent the complexity and colour variegation of labia. However, I am certainly enjoying looking at the line drawings and marvelling at the certainty that no two cunts are alike. I wonder if any scientific research has been done with identical twins on this subject – hmmm… *applying for funding now*.

People complained back in the 70’s about the title of this book, and I’m sure they are still complaining now, because ‘cunt’ is for some illogical reason, still seen as the most obscene word in the English language. Cunts are beautiful and wholesome. They are complex, sensitive and flexible. They give pleasure to their owners and to others. They swallow up penises and they push out humans. Why should such strong, life-giving things be associated with the most blasphemous, derogatory, insulting epithet? We should reclaim this word. If anyone calls you a cunt, beam at them and say “Why, thank you! I AM an amazing and mysterious creature!”