It’s that hoary old question: Can you be still be friends after sleeping together? A stupid question. Of course you can and should be friends.
In my world, sleeping with someone is the quickest way to make a friend with a particularly deep level of intimacy. I don’t call it ‘Friends with Benefits’. The benefit IS the friendship. Let’s just call it what it is: ‘Sex with Friends’. And some of the best friendships I have are with people I’ve slept with.
Sex is an excellent way of making friends; and friendship is an excellent reason for sex.
I have lots of close female friends and a few close gay male friends, but until a few years ago, when I exited a very long marriage, I didn’t have any deep friendships with straight men. I now have a precious handful of these and these are all men I have slept with. They add a dimension to my life that I didn’t know I was missing. They bring a different perspective to my questions and musings. There is an honesty and frankness in how we interact but any erotic tension that there might have been has been dealt with and diffused. Maybe it works for me because I don’t do “no-strings sex”. I don’t want a LTR necessarily, but the “strings” I want are shared values, companionship for a few hours, sparkling conversation and emotional maturity.
The latest research is that loneliness can shorten your life by as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. We make new friends when we are young, with our circle of friends peaking at around age 25. This circle shrinks as the years go by, when opportunities to make new, deep friendships are fewer, and our old friendships drop away. How do you make new bosom buddies of the sort you made at university and school?
Almost everyone and their grandma has fantasised about having a three-way. Like most sexy or kinky encounters, the more you plan, the more fun it will be. Good group sex almost never happens spontaneously without prior discussion, rules and forethought, except sometimes amongst established triad relationships. In an ideal world, you will all have a filthy, fun time, where everybody gets off and you lie with limbs entangled in a happy, spent heap at the end. In the worst case, you will have slammed doors, tears, and divorce papers.
When I was newly single, post-divorce after over 20 years of marriage, my self-esteem and confidence was pretty low. When dating men, I was always anxious to avoid that bad angle of my neck, tummy or thighs. I thought about getting a boob job practically every single day. It took a while, but some wonderful and patient lovers made me feel that none of those things mattered. C-section scar, loose tummy skin, small tits, muffin top thighs… none of those things were what they saw. They saw me as the sexy and sensual woman that I didn’t even see myself. The more I felt desired, the more desirable I felt. Continue reading “Desire me, and I will be desirable”