People sometimes think that I want to live out my erotic fantasies. Wrong. I like some of my fantasies to stay as just…fantasies. Also, it happens that most of my fantasies are completely impossible to turn into reality. They are just too weird and implausible to be formed into actual scenarios or even visually represented, except maybe through the medium of deviant erotic art. Like these:
See, I told you my fantasies were weird.
There’s a distinction between what I do for my sexual kicks with others, and the private inner porn realm of my mind. For example, I might sometimes engage in BDSM-style sexual games and group sex that involves me donning a fabulous costume and dominating someone, but that’s just me being sexually sociable. I enjoy it and indulge in it because I’m into dressing up and role-playing (although I wouldn’t call myself a lifestyle domme). But to actually run those scenarios through my head in my private masturbatory moments? Sorry to disappoint you, but my mind is far, FAR more twisted.
I do enjoy telling lovers my erotic fantasies, however far-out they are. Talking about what gets me hot helps my lovers to access the dark and dirty spaces of my erotic mind. Just giving air to my erotic fantasies can get me wet without even being touched. Humans are the only creatures (as far as we know) that have an ‘erotic blueprint’, as Esther Perel calls it. Even if you don’t share each other’s fantasies, to know how to flick the sexual switches for your lover is the most intimate act you can perform together. Knowledge = power and feeling powerful is sexy. (That inner Domme in me just can’t stay quiet).
When I ran a recent poll on Instagram (usual caveats for being non-scientific) I asked women to tell me about their sexual fantasies and desires. I had a hunch that many women have a strong fantasy life that they are keeping all to themselves. I was pleased to see that many are not ashamed of them, although you have to consider that I have a strong sex-positive theme on my feed, which is probably reflected in my followers.
“I tend to have a lot of fantasies about some “taboo” topics, which I could never tell anyone because I don’t want people thinking I’m a weirdo.”
What is taboo is dangerous. What is dangerous can be sexy. Anything that transgresses our norms can offer us a temporary escape from reality. I was not surprised that many women had fantasies about violent and non-con scenes. This often confuses people, that our erotic imagination is irrational and in conflict with our ‘real’ day-to-day identities. In fantasy we act out what we dare not do in reality. To quote Esther Perel from ‘Mating in Captivity’: “It’s a simulation, a performance – not the real thing, and not necessarily a desire for the real thing. Like dreams and works of art, fantasies are far more than what they appear to be on the surface. They’re complex psychic creations whose symbolic content mustn’t be translated into literal intent.” Perel argues that for many women, simulations of forced seduction provide a safe outlet for sexual aggression. Women who fantasize about being overpowered and ravished are not secretly wishing that men would actually rape them in real life. The fantasy is hot because it is transgressive, and because she is in control – she’s the producer, director, casting agent and lead actress of the erotic movie. It’s HER erotic movie, and in the making of it, she never loses her agency.
“I fantasise about fucking/being fucked by the guys who raped me”
Is this statement deeply fucked up, or is it explicable? Although I’m not a psychotherapist I think sexual trauma is complex and exposes conflicting emotions, which are made even more taboo because the person cannot give voice to those feelings. The sex therapist Jack Morin says that the erotic imagination is ingenious in undoing, transforming and redressing the traumas of the past. The experiences that caused us the most pain in our past sometimes become the greatest sources of pleasure and excitement later on.
A big area of fantasy centres around fucking other people outside of a stable relationship. As humans, we are not programmed to be monogamous. We are conditioned to be socially monogamous, but as surely as night follows day, if we are in a long term relationship, we will think about fucking other people.
“I’d like to introduce more people.”
“I want more sex and with a broad range of people, not just my partner”
“I’d love a threesome or group sex but my LTR partner would be horrified at the idea. Especially if it were with other men rather than women”
But why is it so scary to admit that to a partner? Well, the likelihood is that the partner will have been conditioned to accept society’s narrative that monogamy is the only acceptable model for a relationship. Furthermore, if fantasies of any kind have been buried deep inside for years, never mentioned, then it gets difficult to throw them on the table as the years roll by.
“We’ve been together 10 years. Feels weird to bring them up now I guess.”
“I’ve had fantasies about ffm, mmf or BDSM sex that my partner liked in theory but it always became an issue when it was mentioned too often or when we talked about how to realise these fantasies. So for the peace in our relationship and to not trigger my boyfriend’s insecurities I don’t mention it any more.”
Not mentioning a fantasy to a partner may just be the price of admission of staying in that relationship. But how sad it would be if we realise in another 10 years, that the price was just too high. Are we really prepared to sacrifice short term awkwardness for long term dysfunction in our relationships?
To go back to the top, sometimes it’s ok to keep your fantasies to yourself. You can continue to build on them, take them to extremes, and never have them sullied by another person’s gaze of them. I’m all in favour of keeping some of mine in a box (where I keep my other toys) and just take them out when I’m flying solo. As this commenter put it:
“I like [the fantasies] being just mine. The forbidden aspect is part of the thrill.”
Thank you to all the people who spent time sharing these intimate thoughts with me. I’m forever grateful to you. xxxx
Further reading: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.