Threesome Etiquette

Almost everyone and their grandma has fantasised about having a three-way. Like most sexy or kinky encounters, the more you plan, the more fun it will be. Good group sex almost never happens spontaneously without prior discussion, rules and forethought, except sometimes amongst established triad relationships. In an ideal world, you will all have a filthy, fun time, where everybody gets off and you lie with limbs entangled in a happy, spent heap at the end. In the worst case, you will have slammed doors, tears, and divorce papers.

Perhaps you’re the singleton who has been invited to join the couple. Congratulations – you’re the unicorn, the rare and prized beast, and don’t you forget it. As the special invited guest, most of the treats are for you, and the couple who invited you should bend over backward (and forward) to ensure your comfort and security. Whilst you should all enter into the three-way with a spirit of generosity and goodwill, there are more benefits than duties on the unicorn. This is why it is essential that the couple know their duties towards you, and that you, as the unicorn will feel safe in the presence of their established coupledom.
The unicorn:
– Do make sure you have met the couple at least once in a safe and neutral setting in advance of the playdate, and establish their credentials. If you have met them on a dating site, swingers site or Fetlife, you only have limited information on them. Remember, you will be outnumbered, so safety first. Also, a threesome should be fun and involve lots of laughter and giggles, and not just serious, stony-faced sex. Make sure you can get along with them in a room for a few hours!
– Do ask the couple whether they have done this before. If you are dealing with newbies, you may want to ask more questions to establish whether they have thought about rules and “feelings” (more on this below). And make sure they read this!
– Do ask the couple whether both of them are equally keen on this playdate, or is this a fantasy that only one of the couple wants to play out? Remember that relationships = emotions. If not everyone is on board, or worse, if someone is being coerced, you need to make a polite exit.
– Do establish the ground rules. The couple should have discussed these beforehand and need to communicate these to you. If not, you need to ask them to do this. For example, who is allowed to kiss/fuck/suck/lick whom? In some threesomes, the couple will say that kissing is only allowed between the couple. Best to get these boundaries sorted out before you make a fuck-pas.
– Do discuss with all parties in advance what your ideal fantasy scenario would look like. It helps to focus the mind on how the evening will play out, and it’s damn hot too!
– Don’t feel pressurised by the couple to do anything that you don’t want to, especially if BDSM or other kink is on the cards. This should go without saying but when there are two against one, it takes a stronger will to say no.
– Don’t feel that you have to fulfil someone else’s fantasy. You are all allowed to say what you would like to happen but it’s likely that you could easily find a dozen couples who would like to play with you, so be picky and make sure you are getting something out of this playdate. If they are too demanding, they can go and pay someone to provide the services that you are so generously giving for free.
The couple:
– Do protect your unicorn and treat them with courtesy, respect and gratitude. Ensure that they get home safely if they are not staying. After the playdate, it is ON THE COUPLE to reach out to the unicorn to say, “thank you, we had a great time with you,” etc. You don’t have to agree to meet again, but don’t mislead and leave the unicorn hanging.
– Don’t ruin it with jealousy. One of you may feel pangs of insecurity during the session. It’s not easy to see your partner scream in ecstasy or buck with joy at the ministrations of someone other than yourself. You should have discussed this beforehand to parse through your feelings about this extremely likely scenario, but even so, you need to have a strategy to deal with your jealousy and insecurity. Whatever negative emotions you feel at the sight of your lover with another, remember that these are YOUR emotions, and you need to own it. Both of you agreed (hopefully) to embark on this game together. You owe it to your guest not to get stroppy and storm off to the bathroom to sulk. The strategy could be that you choose an appropriate moment to ask your partner for some reassurance in the form of a hug or a kiss. They should recognise that you need the reassurance and will provide it. In the best case, you may experience ‘compersion’, the word used in polyamorous circles to describe the feeling of joy at seeing your beloved enjoying themselves with another person.
Everyone:
– Do practise good hygiene if you are sticking digits, members, toys etc into orifices owned by different people. To avoid having to swap condoms on and off, look into using female condoms, which can stay in place whilst the penis swaps between holes.
– Don’t be selfish. Take turns and spread the joy, unless there have been specific rules established (and communicated). Be prepared for the ebbs and flows of the dynamic, which means that a threesome may become a twosome for a while. You may find yourself on your own and unattended at times, but if you are patient and giving, it will flow back to being a threesome again, or a twosome that involves you. This last piece of advice is stolen from Dan Savage and he’s 100% the guru on this subject.
This post was first published on https://twistedlingerie.co.uk/blogs/news on 11 February

2 thoughts on “Threesome Etiquette”

  1. Hello. I follow you as aphr0diteartist and I just wanted to say, your threesome article was very helpful and insightful. I am curious for a female partner, and my boyfriend is open to my desires, although he is not insisting it. This makes me feel confident that I am the one asking and not him. Since I still have this complex, do you think I should focus more on my emotions toward the situation? Also the portion where you talked about planning makes it better really reassured me as well. He always believes that it will be spontaneous, but I feel like that is a little dangerous. Also I have encountered someone that I would consider asking, But even her herself admitted that she is a selfish person. Do you think a person who is toxic and anyway should be avoided at all cost? I don’t know why I feel the need to ask you all these questions, especially consideringYou never asked to hear them, But to hear from you would be a wonderful honor. I think you are beautiful and I hope to be as confident as you one day. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Kayla. Like any relationship, you cannot guarantee that this female partner will work out. But you know her already and she seems like she might be willing to participate. So you don’t have anything to lose by asking her. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world. At least you will all have learned something. None of us can guarantee a perfect first time experience. But the more you try, the more you will figure it out.
      As for spontaneity, I don’t understand how your boyfriend thinks it could happen spontaneously. I’ve never understood why people think sex and relationships should be something that just comes “naturally” to us. Before we get good at anything else in life, we practise, read up or study it. Why should anyone think that sex is the one area in life where we are automatically qualified? Does he think you’re all going to get drunk and everyone will naturally slide into position? As I say, with a thresome, or open relationship, there are way too many variables here, and if you want the best chance of it succeeding, do some preparation and discussion first. If you don’t, you will either waste the experience, or there is a high chance of misunderstandings.
      I’m not too sure from your question whether you are talking about a threesome with this woman and your boyfriend, or you are talking about opening up your relationship so you get to see other women on your own. Either way, some of the rules on communication definitely still apply. One day I will write another article about poly/non-monogamous relationships as I have quite a lot of experience with those too!

      Like

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